If you are a first time visitor:

Then please know that this article is not about planning a natural passing and organizing the circumstances of that. Neither is it about preventing or preparing circumstances of sudden death.

If that is what you came for, you will not find it here.

This is a serious topic and might be disturbing you.

If this is not your first reading here:

Then welcome back!

This post is no guide or discussion. Well, a discussion perhaps. And this time I have questions.

This article is going into more detail about my death. I have given some detail on my “profile” page and on this blogs about page. I want to follow this up with the current state of mind and progress.

Foreword

I have started this post about a week ago – and not finished it until right now. I kind of lost the motivation for working on this blog somewhat as nobody is actually reading it. So I thought.

According to my non invasive and non-cookie-based statistics plugin, somebody from the USA actually read quite a while here. Yay!

This motivated me to continue on, thank you!

Current Progress

Now, at the time of writing, I am not too far from the point where I decided to die.

So my planning is rather vague and consists of ideas and a rough plan.

I am not fixed on the exact day, location and method yet. I am currently aiming at about 1-2 years from now. This should be between summer 26 and summer 27.

Reasoning

I guess this is the time to explain my motivation behind it.

Actually, it is quite simple: I have absolutely no reason not to do it. Additionally I am being haunted by my sorrows and pains. Scars, running deep to the spine. Circumstances I cannot change and I refuse to accept.

It is probably not even that I would be unable to accept my circumstances, but rather that I don’t want to! I feel like fate took a shit on me, and I am no person to just take it. I, quite frankly, see no reason to take it. Why would I?

Before naming some specifics I want to add that a major point is, that I feel so extremely bored and disappointed by what reality turns out to be. No dragons for me, so keep the BMW and Mercedes for someone else. I don’t want it!

• nobody really knows what death is or means
• nobody knows what life really is
• it might solve my issue
• having the life I imagined and wanted is unattainable for me
• changing what life I prefer is barely possible or desirable
• certain sorrows are unimprovable
• what if death is no coincidence, but a purposely designed way for one to exit at will?
• what if death brings not just peace of mind, but a better existance?
• I do not like my life
• I do not seem to like life, itself, at all
• I feel no will towards anything anymore, my sorrows have numbed me
• the few beautiful moments of life come with a huge price tag for me
• it might bring me close to that which has designed me and thus answer my questions
• I dislike the way life has been designed. Recurring sicknesses, needing food as fuel, depending on killing innocent animals to feed myself, aging, unforgiving design in the procreating system(get born with undesirable body traits and thus shit on by the entire race), etc… you get the idea
• evil implanted in humanity
• no design choice was made to guide or support life
• no clear and direct connection to the designing instance

I could probably continue with the list for a good amount of minutes, but at this point it feels like whining. I am not here to whine. I wanted to express my dislike of design, which in the end is my reason.

I want to note that some – if not most- things could have been changed, prevented or compensated by humanity as a society. However this is obviously not the case and I am not in power to change that. In fact I am refused the chance, because those who have the ability to change the situation even slightly for the better, use their opportunity to make it worse and defend their power position – just to abuse it further.

There are far too many humans to allow somebody like me to make a difference. I am as replacable as I could be. That goes for most. In fact nobody really seems to want to put in any effort into making a serious change. People are playing around, comforting their egos.

The Problem

There are two things holding me back a little bit.

1. I have 2 family members, who would be there to live with the effects of my death. Both of them are unhappy and depressed themselves, one is almost 70 years and the other about 40 years of age. The older would care for it and suffer. The younger one perhaps a little bit. I am however questioning if it is really right to live in hell, just to spare my family member the negative impact of my death. I mean I am putting myself through a lot, just to spare someone else some negativity.
2. I have a principle to not kill myself in a very sudden manner. This is to prevent bad, emotional decisions. You know what I mean. The type of decisions you do, when not thinking clearly. So I instead set myself the “goal” and will work towards and against it at the same time for about 1-2 years. This should be enough time to have a very sober view.

Preventing Regret

In order to not regret my fate, I decided to actively work on trying to improve my life and fix what makes my life such a burden – one more time.

I do not believe that I will succeed, but I do believe, that it will give me a sense of integrity. At the moment of death, I will be sure to have tried to go against the grain and I will be at complete peace with dying.

Currently I already feel this peace and and the work on changing my fate will maintain that peace and prevent any doubts or regret.

My goal is actually to die quite happy. Which sounds strange in the context of suicide – I know, let me explain.

The idea is to use the little time left for me in such a manner, I am actually enjoying it. Trying out some things like magic mushrooms. Smoking weed or dinking alcohol without feeling bad about declining health. Doing nonsense, but fun nonsense. But the catch is that this is probably only possible when liberated by certain death.

At Peace

Since I made the decision to die finally, I feel much more at peace. I feel much more free. Freed of the chains of life. All those expectations, plans, issues, forced circumstances and the whole bucket of bullshit just fades away. It is not concerning me anymore too much.

• I do not have to have my future planned out well, because there is no future.

• I do not have to think about marriage and the headache attached to it.

• I do not have to think about aging anymore. My current age is not bad and in two years, it will not be far from here.

• I do not have to make any long term money plans. I have what I have, I will spend that and save nothing! ETF’s, 401k, real estate, Bitcoin and all the other farts and scams, you can go to hell! I need not to care about such bullshit anymore.

Just four examples, but I bet you can see why im feeling so liberated.

In fact I feel completely liberated of any bullshit in life. I guess thats how very old people feel.

The Place

I think that depends a little bit on money. I’m having the idea of making something like a final trip. A nice holiday, maybe something like a hike through a country I wanted to visit.

Enjoy seeing new places and nature, eating strange food and living a lifestyle I could normally not afford – and then never returning to the shithole I came from.

The issue next to money is that this really limits me by my method of dying.

If I chose to stay where I am, I can chose between my apartment or nature. The nature here is neither impressive nor bad. I bet I would find a likable place. For some reason I imagine to be going in a sun set. A nice, red sunset on a warm late-summer day. And I would love to have some nice scenery around me, I guess nature it is. I imagine dying in my apartment, a jail really, to be quite sad.

If I decide for the trip, I will have to do a lot of research to find the fitting place. I will update on that in another post, of course.

The Method

I seem to prefer death by the rope. Hanging myself feels neither too fast, nor too slow. I don’t expect it to be overly painful, nor painless. It is a safe method – no surviving a rope.

There are two ways to die by hanging. Either the spine in the neck area snaps and the nerve connections are cut: a broken neck. Or the neck stays intact and one suffocates.

Personally I hope my neck would not snap, since I prefer to fade out over the course of a very few minutes. I think that after one gets shorts of breath/ oxygen, it is a matter of seconds until the loss of consciousness.

Another likeable method would be a shot to the brain. This does take my second place, as it is less reliable, very sudden and quite messy. Even dying in nature, theres a high chance that somebody finds my body and becomes traumatized. The sound of a gunshot in nature might also attract people to the spot.

An issue is that some people survive a headshot from all kinds of guns – expect cal. 50 rifles and the like of course. In fact I had a neighbor in my childhood. A male around 30/40 at that time who shot himself in the head and survived. He did not even become a vegetable and continued a functional life. Well, functional to some degree. He later was speeding downhill in the early morning hours, over an elevated soil center of a roundabout. The car had a rollover – at least one – and stopped on the roof. The driver, drunk on vodka, hid in a bush nearby. Of course, the police had no issue finding him. They know exactly that at least the half of such late night cases is to be found in some bush a vegetational asset nearby.

A third method would be electrocution. There are free standing high voltage lines in natural environments, that one could climb and simply touch the wire. I have seens such a case in a video and the death was extremely fast and effective. I guess it was painless – but I’m not sure.

This method, however, seems quite extrem to me. And that is not really my prefered way.

Straying Off-Topic

I want to mention that between writing the majority and the paragraph “The Method” have been many days. I actually feel a little bit different now and would have written it differently – from another perspective.

What has changed, I think, is that I made some progress in my meditative efforts and feel a little bit more hopeful about a turnaround. I seems more realistic, perhaps because I have realized just how much potential for a positive-based perspective on life, lies within myself. It is less about the outside than I felt it to be. I have known it before – but if I really know one thing, then that knowing is not the only way to… know. Nevertheless I still see suicide as a quit and fair exit door.

There certainly is some energy within the body: like a natural garden of energy. Something that is always there, that you can take from and yet it replenishes. Although this garden seems so hidden. Sometimes, very rerely, I stumble across it – the gates open. The plants growing, but wildly so. Uncared for and yet beautiful. Always there and waiting for one to come.

But most of the time I feel bad to be there, despite the fact it makes me feel relieved. Because it means to drop my sorrows. It means to drop my victimhood. And I don’t really want to stand above an older version of myself. I want life itself to accept my victimhood and pay me reparations. I want to have my bill equalized by life. I want fairness. Laying off my sorrows means to lay down my wish for equity.

And I believe, that I will not receive that. But I also believe that life is capable of giving me that equity. Everybody has seen or had such a case of life simply paying back some of the bill, or even all of it. Both negative and positive sums. Like a spoiled brat I sit here and demand from life action that uplifts me – simply because another one has received that. And so sit on that demand, unwilling to drop it, even to the death. Verily, death almost feels like I am bringing that equity. It feels like enforcing my way on life itself, even knowing life doesn’t care at all about it, still hoping it does.

In fact you can see such a child in about anybody, if you have the eyes for it. We adults are the children of yesterday. And we have not grown out of our childish ways really. We people believe we did, that’s what we tell ourselves… and then believe it so forcefully, but really we did not. Actually, we have become worse. We sharpened our methods and demands. One who used to steal a toy and shin-kick another child, now comes in a vehicle, in a group, and shoots with guns to rob and kill. Some even get paid by governments to do so. Really it is the same thing happening. The same childish ways of problem solving are applied. And that goes for politicians too! Don’t believe the expensive suit and the shiny leather boots.

And yet I cling to the child in me and refuse to let. In fact the opportunity to lay down my sorrows might actually be the reparations, I realized while writing it down right now. There are so many people haunted by whatever until the end of their lives. There are so many young people being targeted by a painful fate in this very moment. And just such little amount of them will at any time receive the opportunity to free themselves of that.

You can find proof for that on Youtube. Witness how many views a video has, that will – scientifically proven – stuperfy the watcher. The term ‘brainrot’ recently came up. It is a term used among teenagers to describe such stupefying content and the outcome of that in the watcher. Ironically the effects are actually known to some young folks. On the contraty find any actually enriching video content. Perhaps some content about depression, directions of life, wisedom, spirituality and so on. If it is not an “income-performance-optimized” kind of video, but one that focused on the quality of the video content first, you will notice that the views are likely to be a tiny split portion of that of any popular content. And that is by design. Additionally the demographic is going to be different. For the enriching type of video, not so many of the viewers are going to be teenagers and kids. This situation is enforced and enhanced by the platform providers. So called algorithms ( ‘if fact – then do’ patterns ) programmed into the website influence what kind of video will be presented to the website user. The website does a great deal of work to analize the watcher, even outside of the website itself. Based on the information gained about the watcher, the website tries it’s best to drive the user to reactions.

In the example of youtube this action is to make the user click on a video and watch all of that. The video suggested is carefully chosen by this algorithm. Youtube is a part of Google. And google just happens to be the largest data collecting institution that I am aware of. By hosting a serive called “Google Analythics”, it is collection a broad range of information about a user from all kinds of websites. Most blogs utilize that feature too.

My blog does not, by the way.

The mechanism to make the user click and watch a video is very complicated and excessive. I touched not even the tip of the iceberg. For example, the algorithm prefers manipulative kind of content that tricks the user into watching the video without actually wanting to watch it. I will spare you any more details. The final note is, that the design of such websites is in worsening the chances for individuals to become a happier version of themselves.

Looking Ahead

I will leave this post as is and reserve myself to add information or give updates in multiple, similar kinded – and probably – titled posts.

I drifted far away with the last paragraph, but since that is such an important topic, I will leave it to be.