Context

Recently, this blog received its first comment on this blog. The commenter noticed an interesting dynamic: We tend to hold onto a somewhat fixed image of ourselves, that we do not change, or seem unable to, despite all the change of life. I found this particularly interesting so I wanted to go into more detail about that.

This post is not much about depression, although it can help one understand their capabilities of inner change and the tracking of that. It is neither a rant nor a guide.

This is more of a spiritual and psychological discussion.

“It’s funny how a particular point in time, around our teenage years is the reference point our minds centre around. It’s like something solidifies around that time and it’s difficult for that to not be our inner true north forever after. The person I think is the ‘real’ me is one I was for 2 years max 40 years ago and despite everything I’ve done since then, and no matter how distant (and very specific to the context of the time) that person was, that’s how I identify to this day.”

This is a part of the comment.

What is ‘me’

First, I think, we need to clarify that a little bit.

What really is that ‘me’?

Without going very deep into the spiritual meaning of that particular word and everything strictly woven into that, I think we can present a simple idea, that this ‘me’ is the sum of our own physical perception, all our preferences (in other words likings), our dislikings and our conclusions.

We have our unique ways to soak up and understand something, to portray and share the same, to analyze and conclude. Based on this, our reaction will happen. We have our ways to act and react, according to our likings and believes.

Our likings and dislikings, on the most fundamental level, are unique to us and not influenced much by memory. For example one child might like chocolate and another not. This is fundamental. Now if you bring that child, not liking chocolate, to an ice cream store, and give that child chocolate ice cream, then forcing it to eat up, as so many parents unfortunately do, that kid is going to dislike ice cream stores. Especially if you repeat the process. The dislike of the ice cream store is not fundamental and can be changed, although deeply rooted. The disliking of chocolate might change with time, but is fundamental. You can condition that child to tolerate the chocolate, but not to really and deeply like it.

Generally we have our baseline and then build up experiences ontop of that. We form distinct ways of action that align to this baseline. Even if we adopt, as children, certain habits and way of action, that do not represent who we feel to be, we do this feeling forced by circumstances. This inner conflict is well known to most people.

Self-Awareness

This is a very important step in life. The moment one becomes aware of oneself as a person. This is to observe yourself, as you would observe another being. In contrast, people without self-awareness simply live their life, unaware of the fact that they are living it. Without self-awareness one is caught up in their own actions and thoughts, unable to see themselves as being a part of a puzzle, the so-called bigger picture.

In the moment we become self-aware we start to discover our inner selves and thus create a map, a picture of who we see us to be – and who we want us to be; become. It is in that very moment, that we are able to watch a person, who at the same time is oneself. This image of us, this thought, like any other thought has the potential to remain with us for the rest of our lives. Such is the nature of thought.

Give it half a second and you should be able to recall a detailed memory, just a picture – perhaps, that you collected when you were younger than 10 years old. If not, my friend, you are in serious trouble and might want to reconsider the cognac.

Now the question arises: How does self-awareness change with time, if our memories are quite fixed and do not change.

So first of all, self-awareness cannot, by definition, change with time. This is because self-awareness is not dependent on time at all. It is an action, a doing.

What can change is the image of oneself, seen through the lens of self-awareness.

So one should, at each moment of being self-aware, create a new image of oneself. These again, have the potential to remain until the end.

A collection of images around an axis of time, yes you guessed it, takes the form of a video. So one should, at the moment of self-reflection, see oneself as a person changing throughout time, as well as a having certain shapes in certain moments.

Influence of Memory and Time

With time dictating a, at least to our perception, chronological line of events and memory being additive, we attain the fact, that we are not only able to be aware of ourselves, but also of our change and our potential to change – while having video proof of it.

On top of that, not only is memory additive by nature, but so is thought. Thought depends on memory. Our conclusions and ways of action also depend on thought and thus memory.

Take the idea that we have a baseline of likings and dislikings, that might change a little bit with time, but I have never seen this to be drastic in anybody – yet.

We can safely say that any time you become self-aware you will be able to see the person you saw the first time you were self-aware. Either youre holding onto the same image, and I mean you observe that very same image, you had back then, or you are focusing on this same person you were, who is still here today, like a nut inside a shell.

The very most of the change that happened since then has been of additive nature. Even if you were dropping, lets say a habit, your adoption of that habit in the first place came as the result of a conclusion that you should do so. You dropping that habit came as a result of a conclusion that your prior conclusion is not holding true-enough anymore, in the context of the new facts you gained. So even which seems to be subtraction is merely addition.

Conclusion

I sense that the original comment carefully implied that it makes little sense to identify with an older, outdated version of oneself, when the current experience is so much different.

Spiritually regarded, and I believe this has its well-deserved place here, the above statement is the approach of efficiency. It reveals that the speaker of the comment is efficiency driven, and not awareness driven. Efficiency is an attribute of machines.

While awareness and efficiency appear to co-exist, they do not as driving fundamentals. They are completely on the contrary. This is not to blame the commenter for having a bad shape of mind, but this is to violently shout at any living human being that humanity as a whole is in bad shape and needs change desperately.

It is not just the commenter who has been conditioned to become efficient, but almost all of humanity, including myself. It is something fundamentally wrong in the world, but that’s beyond the scope of this post.

I think a fitting conclusion is that it is completely normal for one to see oneself as the kind of same – lovely person – that one used to be in early life. And quite frankly, one should be happy about that. Because that enables one to be such a good friend to oneself.

And that is not just some quirky saying; but one has perhaps or perhaps not already experienced the bliss of feeling in great company being only by oneself.