And so the saga begins…

Since this is not something you would google, chances are you landed here after seeing the main page.

First of all: THANK YOU. Thank you stranger for being here. That might mean nothing to you but a lot to me. You might be one of 2 people to ever read this 🙂

In this post I want to go a little bit into the structure and idea of the blog. So let’s get right at it.

How It Started

After having a serious mental breakdown about three weeks ago, I decided that I have to change something just again. The breakdown was due to an odd chain of events, almost like in final destination, just without me getting torn apart – physically.

I was in a bad spot just before that, because my first and only relationship ended a few weeks prior. Things were going downhill in general and then it was just bound to happen. A little bit of fate mixed in and here we go. I was lying in bed, unable to sleep, just wanting to vanish. I’m not proud of it. Almost ashamed – yes. It feels strange to write that down, theres is an urge not to do it, but I still do.

The following days I felt familiar feelings: deep demotivation, so bad its feeling physical, not mental anymore. Weakness starting in the tip of the limps, longing and reachning towards the core. Like the image of damaged power cables, a feeling of fleeting energy from morning till dawn. And yet, despite all the exhaustion not being able to sleep. Thoughts and negative emotions raining down like missiles, all in my head.

A tragedy really. Life could be so great, I have seen it. I have felt it. Some have it. But they won’t share. So everbody got to fight for a better life in a world that is built upon unfair conditions, hostility and trickery. Most are being delt a bad hand from the start. Unable to deal, steal and get drunk.

Im drifting off – So in my new and next deep hole, I started to question why the hell I even decided to fight for a better life in the first place. I started to wonder if that really makes sense and there they came. Yes. The suicidal thoughts. And not just thoughts, but a plan.

I found myself tired as hell from just everthing. People, finances, ever failing business efforts, constant pressure, aging, my appearance, “adult life” – basically modern slavery, and so on. Worse yet I see no point in living. I mean, after deepest considerations and internal backtracking I just could not find any reason to be alive. While there are some enjoyable aspects like seeing a beatiful spot in nature, it just doesnt seem to be worth the struggle at all!

So I dedided that I will die. And in order to make it all well, I don’t want it to be just tonight, but planned out well. I want to close some chapters. In the same time – and I don’t know anymore why – I had the idea or urge to share my story. To document and publish this process of ending my life. This is the blog.

Over the last few days, especially since starting to work towards this blog, my focus shifted a little bit to use this blog not just to document my story, but also to help others. To use my situation as a chance and this website as a platform for people in similar spots and maybe help someone.

So I found myself creating the website with the support focus in mind, rather than my decline story.

Timeline

I aim to end everthing in about 1-2 years from now. That would be no later than summer/ autumn 27. I think that is sufficient time so close the chapters and prepare.

But with deciding to make the blog I decided to try as good as I can to turn my life around. I think a well documented effort like that might either give a blueprint for someone to exit depression or show how not to do it, if I fail. And chances are that I will fail. Currently I don’t believe I can get rid of my ever lasting depression. I never believed that.

I will try several “experiments” on myself. Different techniques and ideas to improve my life. And I will let you know what works and what not!

I’m holding the closing dates a little bit open/ flexible because that makes me feel free and better.

Odd Effects

In fact I noticed that I feel quiete a lot better since I decided to die soon, strangely. But I see that this is perfectly making sense.

Simply put, my decision to give up on life and exit soon, left me greatly reliefed. I feel somewhat freed of my chains. I do not longer have to care at all. Neither do I have to try hard to build a future, because I won’t have one. And that’s liberating!

Ironically, deciding to die made me start to live a little bit again. Perhaps that the reason for my shift of focus. Maybe close death gave me hope to live. Life can be weird sometimes.

Looking Ahead

This was really just a short introductory post, not focused on any specific detail or topic. It wasn’t analytical, but personal.

Hope to see you again, stranger!